Man Robs Bank in Hopes of Winning Contest


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Derral Roberts of Portland, OR was sentenced to 18 years in federal prison last Wednesday after his dreams of winning a contest went terribly wrong. Derral was attempting to win the grand prize of $1M dollars in Klondike’s “what would you do for a Klondike bar” contest. People were to submit videos documenting one “crazy” thing they would do for a Klondike bar.

~Contest entries were due by August 31st, and the entry with the most amount of vote’s would receive a cash prize of $1M dollars. Derral Roberts had meticulously planned  the most outrageous stunt he could conjure. Derral had calculated the numbers and decided that robbing a bank would surely win him the grand prize and the prison sentence served for the robbery would average only 5-10 years; He would earn roughly $100k-$200k a year in prison.

~There were a number of things that didn’t pan out the way Derral had hoped. First and foremost, Derral hadn’t taken into account the taxes on the grand prize would be nearly 50%, meaning if he won, he would actually earn closer to $50k-$100k per year sentenced. This was if his sentence was between 5-10 years AND he was to win the contest. Second, Derral ran the risk of serving a sentence with no money if he didn’t win the contest.

After planning his video and the robbery, Derral followed through with his plans and robbed his local Bank of America. Derral entered the building with his gun drawn, and a selfie stick fitted with an iPhone recording video. An elderly woman had seen Derral’s gun and fainted to the floor. Derral yelled out, “this is what I’d do for a Klondike bar mother Fuc*#@.” He was immediately tasered from behind and promptly peppered sprayed.

After his trial, his sentencing date was set on September 27th, 2015; The contest winner was to be announced September 18th, 2015. During his sentencing he was informed that the elderly woman in the bank had died of a heart attack and that we would also be charged with murder in the 2nd degree. The judge sentenced him to 18 years in federal prison. The following day he learned that while he was posed to win 1st place, he lost by just a handful of votes to another contestant, “guy shaves head for Klondike bar.”

Cocaine Found in Coors Light Nationwide


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It has been reported by the FDA that cocaine has been found in Thousands of Coors Light beers nationwide. The FDA began investigating beers before they were sent out from the factories, as well as beers that were already on shelves ready for sale in thousands of businesses across the U.S. The FDA became suspicious of Coors Light being laced with a certain drug after thousands of people reported feeling “weird”, “high” and even sick after drinking Coors Light. Other suspicious activities were cited by the FDA, such as late night executive meetings, increased worker productivity, and a pending prostitution allegations with a number of Coors employees

The FDA is currently investigating how the cocaine managed to get into Coors Light factories and if it was intentional by the company or an accident. “We cannot afford to have more people accidently drink cocaine from a brewery such as Coors Light, which has been a longtime favorite here in the U.S., this is unacceptable” says FDA employee Richard Butkiss. The FDA is forcing Coors Light to seize production for at least 30 days as the investigation is carried on. Sales of Coors light has increased by nearly 4.3% since this story came to light. It’s heart breaking because this story is 100%, completely true.

10 Things You Must Do in Your 20s – The Last One will Shock you


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It’s easy to list out all of the things you should do while you’re young. But this list will change your life – literally.

1. Go for a walk and cry –

It may seem straight forward but life is confusing, it takes you for loops, turns and often late nights with some man (or woman) you met outside of Billy Bobs round up. So go outside and just cry, and walk of course. If strangers ask you if something is wrong – confess to them all of your problems. It may seem counterintuitive, but people love hearing strangers problems.

2. Quit your job and become a bum

I know it seems crazy but we’re generation Y – we’re millennials. We shouldn’t work for things, they should be given to us. Stop working that 9 to 5. There’s no reason you should live every day dying when you could live every day free, on the road… well on the side of the road is a more accurate depiction.

3. Get Lost

Its ok to be lost, and sometimes you need to spur this on. Next time you have a destination you need to get to. Type in the wrong address and just go.

4. Put your phone in the microwave.

I know this seems crazy but it works, the new IPhone 6 and 6plus have a micro inverter that will charge your phone. What are you waiting for… go charge it!

5. Change the Norm

Stop living by the rules, start living by your own set of rules. Drive on the wrong side of the road. Instead of tipping your waiter, tip them negative so it costs less. Instead of riding a bike, carry it. Next time you need to go to bed, drink a red bull.

6. Come out already!

There’s little doubt in everyone’s mind that you’re most likely gay. I know it, you know it, we all know it. Stop living in the dark, unless of course dark is your preference of man (or woman). Unless you’re Harry Potter, there’s no need to live in a closet

7. Protest for something people believe in

You don’t have to know what it is or even why – just do it. This is the time in your life where you can change something that someone somewhere believes in. This is your opportunity to stick it to the man, even when you have no clue who the man is.

8. Keep a journal

Write down everything you do, your thoughts, feelings, experiences – and then when you’ve filled up every page. Throw it away! That shit was a waste of time.

9. Believe in yourself

Too often you hear about the need to help others and believe in those around you. Don’t waste you time with that. Focus on who you are and what you want and the universe will supply. Haven’t you read the secret? You can literally do nothing and if you truly believe you’ll be a billionaire, you will be.

10. Jump off a cliff

Not into water, into rocks. If you share, read, and enjoy these articles which have ruined the idea of a Facebook newsfeed then please jump.

Microsoft’s Testdrive of Their Bing Driverless Car Ends Tragically


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Over the past year Microsoft’s Bing has been developing and prepping to test their first driverless car. The company has aimed to compete with Google who is significantly ahead in it’s ability to produce driverless cars. Google recently announced major innovations and technology that can allow cars to handle almost any driving situation. Microsoft on the hand has had a number of glitches, but non as tragic as earlier this week.

In an attempt to ‘shock and aw’ the public, Bing announced only 3 weeks prior that it’s first test drive would not be manned. Google on the other hand has had a human occupant incase of any emergency or malfunction with the system. Bing stated last week in a press release that their technology was so advanced, that the public had nothing to fear. They were wrong.

At 9am PST this past Thursday, the driverless car departed from the Microsoft headquarters in Redmond Washington. At 9:04am the car struck and killed a group of college students at a near by park. There are still many questions surrounding the accident. At the forefront of those questions is not only who will face charges, but, also how did the vehicle strike 4 people inside of a park.

In those 4 minutes there were 7 reported 911 emergency calls from pedestrians and motorists describing what they thought was a drunk driver swerving and driving erratically. One driver even reported the car as being driven by a “spooky spooky ghost.” Another eyewitness account of the accident said they initially just thought the driverless car really hated people.

In a strange twist, Microsoft now has a 9 billion dollar surplus on the operating system of the car. The company was so confident that they would be able to sell the product after their first test that they premade 800,000 thousand of the units. Tech guru Nishiro Samsung had this to say: “How the hell can a company expect to navigate a driverless car through the streets when it can’t navigate someone to their destination, let alone navigate someone to something they are searching for.

Google Makes Billion Dollar Spelling Error


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For the past year Google has attempted multiple times, through strenuous efforts, to purchase the trademark ‘Glass’. Well known in the tech community, google glass is a head-mounted device. The company already owns the trademark ‘Google Glass’, but apparently they were not satisfied there.

Trademarks are not permitted for common words like glass or air for example – which has made their struggle and up hill battle. In the nearly 1200 page submission for their case for the trademark there was a fatal error that may cost them billions. In the document used for the key submission, including the spelling and rights surrounding the word, a typo was made. They misspelled the word ‘Glass’, and instead submitted the word ‘Gass’.

With the error in place, Google was actually granted the trademark. Pronounced ‘G-ass’, the company has expressed it’s potential applications. Google released a statement surrounding the issue and how it intends to proceed with the new trademark: “We feel G-ass may play a key role in future apps. Our development team has been in the process of creating an app under the name ‘G-ass’. The app will serve as a face too butt identifier for those that are looking at a butt and don’t know the name of the person it belongs to. Snapping a picture of the butt would quickly allow the user to identify the owner of the butt.”

The company’s primary concern is that the now trademarked term may cause the versatile google glass head wear to be used for the sole function of identifying butts.

Man Actually Falls in Love with O.S. – A real life story of “Her”


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In what people are referring to as a real life version of the movie Her – A local seattle man has fallen in love with his IOS7 operating system on his iPhone 5s. People may have anticipated this years in the future, but many are surprised to see this happen as such an early stage in A.I (artificial intelligence). In fact, the IOS7 operating system’s voice, better known as Siri is not actually A.I at all.

“I never intended for this, she just has a way with words that grapple my heart and make me feel alive. Just last week we spent and entire weekend at the beach together. It was amazing We even got lost and she gave me directions… she’s amazing with directions which is surprising for a women.” Said Scott. Scott MacPherson chose to keep his last name anonymous so he could not be identified, even though growing concern is spreading among his co workers, friends, and family.

Upon hearing this story Global Weekly News knew it had to investigate. Our very own Jonathan Brookes reports:

I arrived on a brisk Saturday morning at Scott’s residence, tucked away in an area of Seattle heavy with construction. His house resembled the quant home from the movie Up, misplaced in the big city and surrounded by large construction barriers. At the door Scott greeted me with his handicap dog buckle. While buckle ran outside to eat sand and bark at the concrete he invited me in. I could not help but notice upon entering there were pictures along the wall of Scott and his phone. Even pictures of Scott kissing the phone.

I sat down to talk with Scott about his relationship – what happened next was surprisingly expected. Scott explained how he fell for the OS and that they were happy together. I asked if I could interview the phone and Scott obliged. As I held the phone, I held down the home button and asked ” So siri, are you happy with Scott?” After a few seconds passed the phone replied ” I have not found any places nearby that match happy spot. would you like to search the web?” Scott giggled as he said “she’s shy… she’s not used to guests.”

It was clear at this point that Scott was in love with the most basics of operating systems and that he may suffer from an underlying illness. Before I left the house there was one more question I had to ask… I held down the button once more and asked siri if she could give me directions to the nearest subway.” She replied with perfect directions… she really was great with directions.

‘Pawn Stars’ star Chumlee dies Tragic Death at Age 31


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History Channel’s “Pawn Stars” actor Austin Russell, also known as Chumlee has died from an apparent heart attack sources confirmed to Global Weekly News.

Many fans were shocked since Chumlee recently lost nearly 70 pounds in the last year through a healthy diet, exercise, and meth. News of Chumlees death has hit home with many fans of the hit reality show and many have voiced their opinions via social media outlets such as facebook, twitter, and snap chat.

 Chumlee was well known on the show for his well below average IQ, slow wit, and meaningless camera time. Chumlee came to fame in the 2nd season when he arrived at the pawn show and ultimately pawned himself for a small collection of tennis shoes and a pack of non-rare baseball cards from the 1980s. He became more-a-less an indentured servant who lived in the spare close in the warehouse of the pawn shop.Many people don’t realize the person behind the camera – who was Austin Russell. A Detroit native who moved the Las Vegas at the age of 21 to pursue his life long goal of being pawned. His low ambitions drove him to become the shows most popular character.

“Rapid weight loss can be harmful to your health when mixed with meth,” according to doctor Jonathon Livingston of Seattle Washington. Although the recent weight loss had been an inspiration to many fans across the country, many will now be left with the empty memory of the man that was – and then was less – and then died.


“That fat retard died from pawn stars died – this is bad” – anonymous Tweet

“He was my hero, he was my idle… RIP Chumlee.” – Scott MacPherson’s tweet



Gentleman, Lover, and Scholar


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It is not every day you meet someone that strives to achieve such great things, never thinking of themselves. Today I write to you about a guy I met that truly is an extraordinary person. Harrison Peralta was born in Portland Oregon, and later moved to Vancouver Washington where he would graduate high school, and begin changing the lives of many. It was actually at the age of 13 he took a one year vow of silence, in protest to the aids crisis in Africa. His silence was heard around the world. Once able to speak again, he began organizing fund raisers to help support the Euthanizing of sick animals in his community. “I even once felt so much compassion for my neighbor’s dog that I took its life and ended its suffering with my own two hands,” he told me with watering eyes.

On his 16th birthday his parents surprised him with a new car, he gratefully thanked them and then donated the car to the homeless. He wanted to see first hand how his actions would change the life of someone else, so he personally drove to down town Portland and gave it to the first homeless person he found. The homeless person was so grateful – he hugged Harrison and then drove away. Just before the car was out of range he heard, “Oh thank you, this is going to get me so many drugs.” Harrisons eyes lit up as he said to me, “how can you not warm up inside, knowing that you just helped someone get the medications they need?” Harrison was later notified by the police that his car had been abandoned near china town and was part of a crime scene involving a number of homeless men doing sexual acts in the vehicle. I asked him if it bothered him, knowing his car went to waste like that. He replied, “of course not, if anything it was a win win for my community service. I asked the officers if the homeless men were happy. The officers then laughed and said “judging by all the stains, I would say they were very happy.” So I not only made the homeless men happy, but the police officer also told me they found a variety of drugs in the vehicle. Which means the sick man finally got the medication he needed.”

Harrison’s efforts only began to grow from there. His freshmen year of high school he was devastated to hear of the tsunami in Indonesia. He knew he had to do something to help. He then set up a fund raiser at his local high school to help raise money to ease the suffering of the tsunami victims. He convinced 6 of the most popular cheerleaders to join his efforts. The girls had a kissing booth at lunch every day in the senior parking lot. One dollar would get the boys a kiss, and 30 dollars would get them an entire lunch period with the girl of their choice. “All I had to do was make sure the boys paid,” he said. Over the next month he helped raise over 5 thousand dollars for the relief efforts. “I was so thankful for the selfless efforts of those 6 girls, it broke my heart to hear that two years later 4 of the girls were indicted on prostitution charges,” he told me with a sad look on his face.

I was shocked to discover that Harrison actually took action one day when his mom told him to finish his food, because there is starving kids in Africa. From that day forth Harrison took that phrase to heart and decided to do his part to ease their hunger. Now after every meal, he boxes up his leftovers and send them to Africa. I asked him if he had a certain family that he sends the meals to, his response was, “no, I don’t want to discriminate or leave anyone out, so I just address the packages to Africa.”
I was absolutely stunned when I heard from various sources that his ex girl friends actually have a club that meets once a week. I was skeptical so I had to go see for myself. After I obtained the information on when and where they meet I dropped in. To my dismay I entered a room with 4 gorgeous girls all sitting in a circle. I asked the girls about the club and what exactly they do. They informed me that they meet once a week to discuss ways to win him back and to give each other support with their vows of abstinence without Harrison. “We don’t stalk him or anything; we simply admire him from afar. We all wish we could go back and do it differently, but he’s simply out of our league, possibly everybody’s League,” they told me.

The facts are undeniable and the truths irrefutable when is come to Harrison Peralta. I was honored to just to have shaken his hand. He truly is a genuine guy with a passion to help others and strive to be the best he can be. We could all learn a lot from him, in life and in love. Having said that I will leave you with a quote Harrison lives by every day. “It is the low of lows and the high of highs that you find people with bipolar disorder, and feeding a man a fish will feed him well, even if only for a day.”

Man Responsible For Olympic Ring Mishap Found Dead In Sochi


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The man responsible for operating the Olympic Rings during last night’s Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Russia was found dead today.

According to local reports the body of T. Borris Avdeyev was found his hotel room early this morning with multiple stab wounds.

Avdeyev was a technical specialist responsible for the Olympic Ring spectacle, which embarrassingly malfunctioned last night. Five animatronic snowflakes were supposed to transform into Olympic Rings. The first four functioned properly but the fifth snowflake failed to change shape.

Although his body was badly mangled and the wounds were consistent with a struggle, so far officials say they don’t suspect foul play.

“Sure there were stab wounds and bruises all over the body,” admits the lead investigator on the case, “But who knows what caused them. Maybe he tripped and fell on a set of knives. Right now we’re ruling this an accidental death.

“It’s terrible when accidents like this happen. But then again, maybe Mr. Avdeyev should have thought twice before he screwed up the Olympics. Accidents tend to happen to people who betray Russia.”

Despite the government’s story, fellow hotel guests reported hearing a struggle in Avdeyev’s room around 3am local time.

“There was a very loud noise last night,” Canadian bobsled member Guy Lafleur, who was staying two hotel rooms down, “I called the front desk but the phone didn’t work so I went to the room where the sound was coming from and saw three big men leave the room.

I asked if there  was a problem and they told me to go back to my room. Then this morning I find out the guy inside was dead. Very scary I told the police what I saw but they told me to forget what I saw. They were very intimidating.”

Putin, The Man You Can Trust

It was reported that Vladimir Putin was visibly upset with the botched ending of the ceremony and he may have been out for blood. He stormed out of the stadium and took off in a helicopter before the media could ask him any questions.

The embarrassment of his nation could have been too much for him to handle.

“Putin loves Russia to death,” said Alexander Zhukov, the Russian Olympic Committee President. “He also loves accountability.”

While there has not been accountability from the contractors responsible for building the Olympic Village, the Ceremony was a world wide event for everyone to see. Putin may hold that to a higher level.

“If he feels the Ceremony reflects him, who knows what he’ll do to seek justice,” said Zhukov before part of a hotel ceiling crashed to the floor beside him. “All I know is Borris Avdeyev failed Russia and got what he deserved.” More of the hotel began to crumble and the interview had to be cut short.

– The Daily Currant

The last words of a Dying Man


This past Sunday, the heartwarming story of a dying man, his grandson and an unlikely connection through modern technology would come to light. John Briggs, of Des Moines Washington was lying on his death bed when his youngest grandson, Timmy Briggs, came to visit. Timmy and Johns relationship had seen its fair share of ups and downs. John was actually banned from Timmy’s middle school only a year earlier for cyber bullying young Timmy. Timmy had let down his guard to say his goodbyes to his ailing grandpa, despite the abuse he had inflicted on Timmy through social media outlets like Facebook and twitter. He publicly criticized Timmy for a number of shortcomings, his hairless young body, the fact that he didn’t have a job at age 12, and even once posted a picture of Timmy’s genitals with an accompanying tag #babydick.

People often mention the growing technology gap between today’s youth and their grandparents generation, however you can see in many cases the gap is closing. Timmy was lying by his grandfathers bed, while the doctors scurried around knowing that these were likely John’s last moments. Timmy kneeled in by john, the concerned look on Timmy’s faced seemed to paint a picture of a young child awaiting an apology from his dying grandpa. John turned to Timmy and with his last breath said “hashtag dying.” With those last words, John had passed.